NICU Day 28 (January 4th)

Today has been an incredibly difficult day.  I walked in the NICU this morning to see her sitting at 100% oxygen again and her saturation level still dropping.  It was reminiscent of Saturday all over again only she has not recovered as well today.  Saturday was a "bump" according to the doctor but he described today as a "hill" possibly turning into a mountain.  On Saturday, we knew that her ductus was open and causing issues, but today it is closed and they are unsure as to what is wrong.  She could be fighting infection or she could be struggling with renal issues.  They checked her abdomen for abcesses and NEC but those do not seem to be the issue.  They do think she may have pulmonary hypertension but it still is not certain.  As of an hour ago, the doctor said the next 24 hours are "touch and go" and they have given us a room here at the hospital to stay the night so we can be nearby.  Tom took the day off of work after they called us early this morning that things were not going well and has been at the hospital all day as well.  Noelle has had different procedures, x-rays, ultrasounds, etc...going on since 11:00 last night when things first started going downhill, and she has been awake for a good part of this even through most of today.  It's encouraging to see her alert and active and still fighting the nurses when they do a procedure--that is a good sign, and yet she needs to rest.  My heart broke today as I talked to her and she looked at me with eyes wide open.  It hurts to see her lying there with multiple things poked into her and tubes and wires all over the place and machines beeping; and yet as I poured my heart out to my heavenly Father tonight, I was reminded that He understands my heart beyond measure.  Not only did He watch His Son die, but He watched Him in agony leading up to His death as His Son begged Him to "let this cup pass from me."  What parent would not give in to their child's earnest pleading like that?  And yet God did not.  He loved us so much that He still gave His only Son so that I might have eternal life.  My hurt and pain right now can't even begin to compare to His.  And so we leave our hearts in His hands because just as He saw the "bigger picture" with His own Son and carried His plan through for His glory, so He will do with us.  This does not mean that everything will be okay in human terms, but it does mean that everything is okay because His plan will be accomplished, and He will be glorified.  Does that make our hearts hurt less as we travel this road?  No, but it does bring peace to know our Savior is in control and is with us each step of the way.  Thank you for continuing in prayer with us.