NICU Day 68 ~ (February 13th)

Two years ago today, Tom got down on one knee and asked me to be his wife.  It was a beautiful, wintry day with snowflakes and mountains included; and while life certainly was not carefree at the time, we were filled with excitement and anticipation for the future, completely oblivious to what God had in store for us.  The past several months have been incredibly trying, and yet we have been drawn closer to God and to each other through the process.  We are not the same people, and for that I am grateful.  Not that we are better or have become more spiritual, but God has used marriage and other circumstances to reveal sin that must be forsaken, and He continues to mold us and shape us as He now uses Noelle in our lives as well as the circumstances surrounding all of us.  Do I feel drawn closer to God?  Yes.  But I am also seeing even more how wicked my heart is and how much I still need Him to change me.  While circumstances like ours are not always easy, I am thankful that God always has a purpose and that we do not go through things because of a whim.  If there is one major lesson I have learned from this, it is that I cannot go through one minute without fully relying on Christ.  You would think we would have this down by now, but no.  He continues to remind us of this fact.  This whole process has been one of waiting...waiting for the next ultrasound, the next test result, the next possible answer, etc...  Amidst all of the waiting, we really have received no human answers for "why" all of this happened.  And so the doctors warn us that this could happen again with future pregnancies or it could have been a one time occurrence.  Even after all these months of learning to wait on God and to trust Him for each step of the way, I was initially upset and disappointed to hear that there was no human explanation.  You would think that I would have learned by now that regardless of what man says, God will still have His way in our lives, and He alone will determine our paths.  But I am still a sinner, and I humanly was hoping for something "concrete" on which to hold.  But God in His good grace did not give it to me.  He has determined that we must rely on Him for every step not only with Noelle but also with possible future children.  I should be doing this anyway, but in His graciousness, He has placed us in circumstances that make us do exactly that.  It has been a very full and busy two years, and sometimes I can remember our engagement day like yesterday, but I am also very grateful for where we are now and am glad to look back and see how God has worked in our lives to this day.  Noelle had another pretty "boring" day, and we love being able to see His sovereign hand continuing to hold and guide us, knowing that He will never leave us or fail us.  What a good God we serve.